elladrama July 13th 1989 (Age 20) Female Parañaque City
I am Ella and I'm 18. I'm currently studying in one of the top universities here in the Philippines. I am a second year college student and a special education major. I chose my college program on my own and happy about it. You might think that I am rich since I am studying in a top university but I'm not. I'm living in a middle class family struggling (very much) to pay the tuition fee of mine and my brother who's enrolled in a private school.
My Family
I love my family eventhough my parents are separated, eventhough my mom is with someone new. She still remains to be hardworking and never fails to send us to school eventhough I know it's hard for her. She's the one paying our tuition fee since my Papa is just a government employee with a minimum salary. I also admire my Papa. I heard a story why I admire him so much and think that even if he's someone who doesn't really show his emotions and stereotyped as cold and insensitive, only a few know his story and people don't have the the right to judge me. And my only sibling and brother? Eventhough he's a weird person who likes computer games and is a certified anti-social, he knows alot about me that my parents and others don't know about me. When my mom and I fought before, he defended me when my mom was about to hit me with a piece of wood knowing that I was at fault. My stepdad? You might think that I hate him because he cheated on my Papa, who was his bestfriend, with my Mom. But I'm not. He loves me and my brother as his own children. Before I could not understand why did they have to cheat on my Papa knowing that my stepdad and Papa were friends since childhood. But I realized once you've found the right person for you, you are willing to do anything for him or her provided that the person also feels the same way as you do. My Papa, I admire him for being so forgiving. I know it was hard for him and for that I admire him.
My Friends
I love my friends. They are always there for me. Especially my college friends, they know almost everything about me. But I'm very secretive and none of the friends EVERYTHING and ANYTHING about me. Maybe, I'd like to live some parts of the skeleton in my closet.
I have to admit that I am an unreal person, someone who laughs when deep insiede she's hurt. I always show a happy facade because I want to show the people around me that there's more to life than sadness. I don't want to see people getting to serious with their problems. It feels like my whole being darkens everytime people around me show negative emotions.
I hate it when people say that they have the biggest problems in th world and would turn to you and say that I am lucky taht I do not have problems. It's just how you handle your problems, dude. I also have my issues too that sometime I think that would forever haunt me. But I'm just so stupid to feel that way, because for every trial that you face, there will always be a bright ending to it as long as you push you self hard enough to surpass that trial. I hardly cry and don't want people to see me cry because I feel weak and pitiful when I do so but which,I think, is wrong. BUt that's the way I am. But ironically, I couldn't help myself cry in front of people when my little HAMSTER died.
I remembered the day when I just saw my mom's closet empty. I waited for her when she told me that she will be together with Papa after my cousin graduated. But that never happened.
Why does sh*t happen? Maybe you do it. Life is fun dude!
It's been awhile since my last entry. My last entry was very positive- life in a new perspective. But this entry is going to be hell.
Today's enrollment day. And unfortunatey, I am a person living in a poor family who's unlike to her classmates who can pay the darn tuition fee on time. My mom had to go to school expecting that today, the promissory notes would be available. Too bad the teller could only say to wait til next week for the notes to be available. My mom had no choice but to pre-enroll me.
Here comes the hardest part. Classmates came asking "What's your PE schedule" and the like questions over YM. I don't know but there on I started lying, "Oh well, uhm, my schedule is this... Sorry I could not confirm the course code since my registration form (proof that I am enrolled) is with my Mom." What an excuse! It was a lie followed by another lie and another.
If they knew that I was lying, I hope they understand that it's not in my full intention to fool them. I just could not tell them straight that, "Yeah I'm poor that I could not even pay half of our tuition fee!". I know that they know that I am one of poorest of their classmates and I accept that. I just don't want to be poorer than what they expected me to be. *Sigh* Just don't know how to explain it. I know that no one would understand.
So now, what do I get from all of these? I was expecting to go to the province with my cousins, an opportunity for me to relax. Unfortunately, it didn't push through and gad!!! How I was excited about it. Then I learned that my cousin's (one of the funniest people I've ever known) is leaving for abroad. I wonder, no one will ever give life to our family reunion like what she does. Then, while I was chatting with one of the closest friends, she left me saying that she has to meet up other close friends of ours at the mall who were there since after they enrolled. If only I was enrolled, I could have been with them. How I wished Mom could pay even just half of my tuition fee so I could at least be a middleman socioeconomically. I also have the feeling of guilt that I don't know how to soothe or brighten up myself. I'm losing things to do. I'm getting bored. I feel self-pity maybe. I feel like I am such a bad person that I lie to my friends, my family and most especially to myself.
I know that this feeling will pass eventually. But I do hope it'd be soon. I just want to go to a place where I can relax. And be with someone I can really be honest with (til now, don't know who will that person be because I am really a secretive). God please forgive me for what I've done and please, brighten me up!
Have you ever felt being there?
Have you ever found the sunshine on your hair?
Have you been under your skin?
Have you ever found the beauty from within?
Like an unfamiliar song
You can hum with all your heart
But you'll never find the words
And I don't wanna wake up
Without you again, without you again, without you again
And I don't wanna wake up
Feeling so close, close to the end, close to the end... close to the end.
Have you ever thought of nothing else?
As I wake up each day until the moment I lay my head on my bed
And as I close my eyes and cling to my pillow
Though you're miles away I still wait for the day that would never come
The stars are bound to die
It all makes no sense
I can't take the chance
I don't want to see you go, see you go...
Grabe parang ngayon ko lang na-feel na highschool is the best of a student's life.
I compared my new found kasama in college to my friends in higschool. Iba pala ang mga tao sa college. Sabi nga nung gay kong blockmate,"Lahat bida and sometimes, na-leleft-out ka". I agree. I have several 'kasamas' pero they are far different from my friends in highschool. In highschool, laging samasama. Para bang, you cannot leave a place unless everyone is present but in college, parang kanya-kanya. Minsan din, I feel that some of them choose who they want to be their friends PERO they do not try to get to know the people around them. Ang basis nila eh, syempre, kung maganda and gwapo.
Minsan, I feel that I am alone. Pero sabi ng english prof namin, "You are the one who makes your life unhappy. if you think that the peole around you don't treat you as what you expect to be treated, problema mo 'yun." i think I shoud be content with what I have. At least, meron akong tatlong nakakasama. Di katulad ng iba na para left out na TOTALLY wala talagang kasama.
Moreover, pag-aaral naman talaga ang habol ko kaya I go to school not for friends or any matter at all. Pero sabi nga nila, everyday of your life is sweeter when shared with friends.
